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%%%%%%%%%%% Begin Manuscript %%%%%%%%%%
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\vfill
\line{}
\title
cannibalism
in the cars

\gdef\thetitle{Cannibalism in the Cars}%
\author
Mark Twain

\vfill
\noindent
I visited St~Louis lately, and on my way West, after changing cars at
Terre~Haute, Indiana, a mild, benevolent-look\-ing gentleman of about
forty-five, or maybe fifty, came in at one of the way-stations and sat
down beside me.  We talked together pleasantly on various subjects for an
hour, perhaps, and I found him exceedingly intelligent and entertaining.
When he learned that I was from Washington, he immediately began to ask
questions about various public men, and about Congressional affairs; and
I saw very shortly that I was conversing with a man who was perfectly
familiar with the ins and outs of political life at the Capital, even to
the ways and manners, and customs of procedure of Senators and
Representatives in the Chambers of the national Legislature.  Presently
two men halted near us for a single moment, and one said to the other:

“Harris, if you’ll do that for me, I’ll never forget you, my boy.”

My new comrade’s eye lighted pleasantly.  The words had
touched upon a happy memory, I thought.  Then his face
settled into thoughtfulness{\mdash}almost into gloom.  He turned to me
and said,

“Let me tell you a story; let me give you a secret chapter of my
life{\mdash}a chapter that has never been referred to by me since its
events transpired.  Listen patiently, and promise that you will not
interrupt me.”

I said I would not, and he related the following strange adventure,
speaking sometimes with animation, sometimes with melancholy, but always
with feeling and earnestness.

\eject%\line{}

\centerline{\sc The Stranger’s Narrative}
\nobreak\line{}\nobreak

\noindent
“On the 19{\sup th} of~December, 1853, I started from St~Louis on the
evening train bound for Chicago.  There were only twenty-four
passengers, all told.  There were no ladies and no children.
We were in excellent spirits, and pleasant acquaintanceships were soon
formed.  The journey bade fair to be a happy one; and no
individual in the party, I~think, had even the vaguest presentiment of
the horrors we were soon to undergo.

“At {\sc 11\thinspace pm} it began to snow hard.  Shortly after leaving
the small village of Welden, we entered upon that tremendous prairie
solitude that stretches its leagues on~leagues of houseless dreariness
far away toward the Jubilee Settlements.  The winds,
unobstructed by trees or hills, or even vagrant rocks, whistled fiercely
across the level desert, driving the falling snow before it like spray
from the crested waves of a stormy sea.  The snow was
deepening fast; and we knew, by the diminished speed of the train, that
the engine was plowing through it with steadily increasing difficulty.
Indeed, it almost came to a dead halt sometimes, in the midst of great
drifts that piled themselves like colossal graves across the track.
Conversation began to flag.  Cheerfulness gave place to grave concern.
The possibility of being imprisoned in the snow, on the bleak
prairie, fifty miles from any house, presented itself to every mind, and
extended its depressing influence over every spirit.

“At two o’\thinspace clock in the morning I was aroused out of an uneasy
slumber by the ceasing of all motion about me.  The appalling
truth flashed upon me instantly{\mdash}we were captives in a snow-drift!
‘All hands to the rescue!’ Every man sprang to obey.  Out into the wild
night, the pitchy darkness, the billowy snow, the driving storm, every
soul leaped, with the consciousness that a moment lost now might bring
destruction to us all.  Shovels, hands, boards{\mdash}anything,
\hbox{everything} that could displace snow, was brought into instant
requisition.  It was a weird picture, that small company of frantic men
fighting the banking snows, half in the blackest shadow and half in the
angry light of the locomotive’s reflector.

“One short hour sufficed to prove the utter uselessness of our efforts.
The storm barricaded the track with a dozen drifts while we dug one
away.  And worse than this, it was discovered that the last grand charge
the engine had made upon the enemy had broken the fore-and-aft shaft of
the driving-wheel!  With a free track before us we should still have
been helpless.  We entered the car wearied with labor, and very
sorrowful.  We gathered about the stoves, and gravely canvassed our
situation.  We had no provisions whatever{\mdash}in this lay our chief
distress.  We could not freeze, for there was a good supply of wood in
the tender.  This was our only comfort.  The discussion ended at last in
accepting the disheartening decision of the conductor, {\it viz.}, that
it would be death for any man to attempt to travel fifty miles on foot
through snow like that.  We could not send for help, and even if we
could it would not come.  We must submit, and await, as patiently as we
might, succor or starvation!  I think the stoutest heart there felt a
momentary chill when those words were uttered.

“Within the hour conversation subsided to a low murmur here and there
about the car, caught fitfully between the rising and falling of the
blast; the lamps grew dim; and the majority of the castaways settled
themselves among the flickering shadows to think{\mdash}to forget the
present, if they could{\mdash}to sleep, if they might.

“The eternal night{\mdash}it surely seemed eternal to
us{\mdash} wore its lagging hours away at last, and the cold gray dawn
broke in the east.  As the light grew stronger the passengers began to
stir and give signs of life, one after another, and each in turn pushed
his slouched hat up from his forehead, stretched his stiffened limbs,
and glanced out of the windows upon the cheerless prospect.  It was
cheerless, indeed!{\mdash}not a living thing visible anywhere, not a
human habitation; nothing but a vast white desert; uplifted sheets of
snow drifting hither and thither before the wind{\mdash}a world of
eddying flakes shutting out the firmament above.

“All day we moped about the cars, saying little, thinking much.  Another
lingering dreary night{\mdash}and hunger.

“Another dawning{\mdash}another day of silence, sadness, wasting hunger,
hopeless watching for succor that could not come.  A night of restless
slumber, filled with dreams of feasting{\mdash}wakings distressed with
the gnawings of hunger.

“The fourth day came and went{\mdash}and the fifth!  Fıve
days of dreadful imprisonment!  A savage hunger looked out at every eye.
There was in it a sign of awful import{\mdash}the
foreshadowing of a something that was vaguely shaping itself in every
heart{\mdash}a something which no tongue dared yet to frame into words.

“The sixth day passed{\mdash}the seventh dawned upon as gaunt
and haggard and hopeless a company of men as ever stood in the shadow of
death.  It must out now!  That thing which had been growing
up in every heart was ready to leap from every lip at last!  Nature had
been taxed to the utmost{\mdash}she must yield.  {\sc Richard~H.\
Gaston} of Minnesota, tall, cadaverous, and pale, rose up.  All knew
what was coming.  All prepared{\mdash}every emotion, every semblance of
excitement was smothered{\mdash}only a calm, thoughtful seriousness
appeared in the eyes that were lately so wild.

\begindiscourse
“\thinspace‘Gentlemen\mdash It cannot be delayed longer!  The
time is at hand!  We must determine which of us shall die to furnish
food for the rest!’

“Mr~{\sc John~J.\ Williams} of Illinois rose and said:
‘Gentlemen{\mdash}I nominate the Rev.~James Sawyer of~Tennessee.’

“Mr~{\sc Wm}~{\sc R. Adams} of~Indiana said: ‘I nominate Mr~Daniel
Slote of New~York.’

“Mr~{\sc Charles~J. Langdon}: ‘I nominate Mr~Samuel A.\ Bowen of
St~Louis.’

“Mr~{\sc Slote}: ‘Gentlemen{\mdash}I desire to decline in favor of
Mr~John~A.  Van~Nostrand, Jun., of New~Jersey.’

“Mr~{\sc Gaston}: ‘If there be no objection, the gentleman’s desire will
be acceded~to.’
\enddiscourse
%
“{\hbadness=3000 Mr~{\sc Van~Nostrand} objecting, the resignation of
Mr~Slote was rejected.  The resignations of Messrs~Sawyer and
Bowen were also offered, and refused upon the same grounds.\par}

\begindiscourse
“Mr~{\sc A.L.~Bascom} of~Ohio: ‘I move that the nominations~now close,
and that the House proceed to an election by~ballot.’

“Mr~{\sc Sawyer}: ‘Gentlemen{\mdash}I protest earnestly against these
proceedings.  They are, in every way, irregular and
unbecoming.  I must beg to move that they be dropped at once, and that
we elect a chairman of the meeting and proper officers to assist him,
and then we can go on with the business before us understandingly.’

“Mr~{\sc Bell} of~Iowa: ‘Gentlemen{\mdash}I object.  This is
no time to stand upon forms and ceremonious observances.  For more than
seven days we have been without food.  Every moment we lose in idle
discussion increases our distress.  I am satisfied with the nominations
that have been made{\mdash}every gentleman present is, I
believe{\mdash}and I, for one, do not see why we should not proceed at
once to elect one or more of them.  I wish to offer a
resolution{\mdash}’

“Mr~{\sc Gaston}: ‘It would be objected to, and have to lie over one day
under the rules, thus bringing about the very delay you wish to avoid.
The gentleman from New~Jersey{\mdash}’

“Mr~{\sc Van~Nostrand}: ‘Gentlemen{\mdash}I am a stranger among you; I
have not sought the distinction that has been conferred upon me, and I
feel a delicacy{\mdash}’

“Mr~{\sc Morgan} of~Alabama (interrupting): ‘I move the previous
question.’
\enddiscourse
%
\hfuzz=0.31pt
“The motion was carried, and further debate shut off, of
course.  The motion to elect officers was passed, and under
it Mr~Gaston was chosen chairman, Mr~Blake, secretary, Messrs.\ Holcomb,
Dyer, and~Baldwin a committee on nominations, and Mr~R.M. Howland,
purveyor, to assist the committee in making selections.

“A recess of half an hour was then taken, and some little caucusing
followed.  At the sound of the gavel the meeting reassembled, and the
committee reported in favor of Messrs. George Ferguson of Kentucky,
Lucien Herrman of Louisiana, and W.~Messick of Colorado as candidates.
The report was accepted.

\begindiscourse
“Mr~{\sc Rogers} of Missouri: ‘Mr~President{\mdash}The report
being properly before the House now, I move to amend it by substituting
for the name of Mr~Herrman that of Mr~Lucius~Harris of St~Louis, who is
well and honorably known to us all.  I do not wish to be understood as
casting the least reflection upon the high character and standing of the
gentleman from Louisiana{\mdash}far from it.  I respect and esteem him
as much as any gentleman here present possibly can; but none of us can
be blind to the fact that he has lost more flesh during the week that we
have lain here than any among us{\mdash}none of us can be blind to the
fact that the committee has been derelict in its duty, either through
negligence or a graver fault, in thus offering for our suffrages a
gentleman who, however pure his own motives may be, has really less
nutriment in him{\mdash}’

“{\sc The chair}: ‘The gentleman from Missouri
will take his seat.  The Chair cannot allow the integrity of
the committee to be questioned save by the regular course, under the
rules.  What action will the House take upon the gentleman’s motion?’

“Mr~{\sc Halliday} of Virginia: ‘I move to further amend the report by
substituting Mr~Harvey~Davis of Oregon for Mr~Messick.  It may be urged
by gentlemen that the hardships and privations of a frontier life have
rendered Mr~Davis tough; but, gentlemen, is this a time to cavil at
toughness?  Is this a time to be fastidious concerning trifles?  Is this
a time to dispute about matters of paltry significance?  No, gentlemen,
bulk is what we desire{\mdash}substance, weight, bulk{\mdash}these are
the supreme requisites now{\mdash}not talent, not genius, not education.
I insist upon my motion.’

“Mr~{\sc Morgan} (excitedly): ‘Mr~Chairman{\mdash}I do most strenuously
object to this amendment.  The gentleman from Oregon is old,
and furthermore is bulky only in bone{\mdash}not in flesh.  I ask the
gentleman from Virginia if it is soup we want instead of solid
sustenance? if he would delude us with shadows?  if he would mock our
suffering with an Oregonian specter?  I ask him if he can look upon the
anxious faces around him, if he can gaze into our sad eyes, if he can
listen to the beating of our expectant hearts, and still thrust this
famine-stricken fraud upon us?  I ask him if he can think of our
desolate state, of our past sorrows, of our dark future, and still
unpityingly foist upon us this wreck, this ruin, this tottering swindle,
this gnarled and blighted and sapless vagabond from Oregon’s hospitable
shores?  Never!’~[\hbox{\it Applause}.]
\enddiscourse
%
“The amendment was put to vote, after a fiery debate, and
lost.  Mr~Harris was substituted on the first amendment.  The
balloting then began.  Fıve ballots were held without a choice.  On the
sixth, Mr~Harris was elected, all voting for him but himself.  It was
then moved that his election should be ratified by acclamation, which
was lost, in consequence of his again voting against himself.

“Mr~{\sc Radway} moved that the House now take up the remaining
candidates, and go into an election for breakfast.  This was
carried.

“On the first ballot{\mdash}there was a tie, half the members favoring
one candidate on account of his youth, and half favoring the other on
account of his superior size.  The President gave the casting
vote for the latter, Mr~Messick.  This decision created
considerable dissatisfaction among the friends of Mr~Ferguson, the
defeated candidate, and there was some talk of demanding a new ballot;
but in the midst of it a motion to adjourn was carried, and the meeting
broke up at once.

“The preparations for supper diverted the attention of the
Ferguson faction from the discussion of their grievance for a long time,
and then, when they would have taken it up again, the happy announcement
that Mr~Harris was ready drove all thought of it to the winds.

“We improvised tables by propping up the backs of car-seats, and sat
down with hearts full of gratitude to the finest supper that had blessed
our vision for seven torturing days.  How changed we were from what we
had been a few short hours before!  Hopeless, sad-eyed misery, hunger,
feverish anxiety, desperation, then; thankfulness, serenity, joy too
deep for utterance now.  That I know was the cheeriest hour
of my eventful life.  The winds howled, and blew the snow
wildly about our prison house, but they were powerless to distress us
any more.  I liked Harris.  He might have been better done, perhaps, but
I am free to say that no man ever agreed with me better than Harris, or
afforded me so large a degree of satisfaction.  Messick was very well,
though rather high-flavored, but for genuine nutritiousness and delicacy
of fiber, give me Harris.  Messick had his good points{\mdash}I will not
attempt to deny it, nor do I wish to do it but he was no more fitted for
breakfast than a mummy would be, sir{\mdash}not a bit.
Lean?{\mdash}why, bless me!{\mdash}and tough?  Ah, he was very tough!
You could not imagine it{\mdash}you could never imagine anything like
it.”

“Do you mean to tell me that{\mdash}”

“Do not interrupt me, please.  After breakfast we elected a man by the
name of Walker, from Detroit, for supper.  He was very good.  I wrote
his wife so afterward.  He was worthy of all praise.  I shall always
remember Walker.  He was a little rare, but very good.  And then the
next morning we had Morgan of Alabama for breakfast. He was one of the
finest men I ever sat down to; handsome, educated, refined, spoke
several languages fluently{\mdash}a perfect gentleman{\mdash}he was a
perfect gentleman, and singularly juicy.  For supper we had that Oregon
patriarch, and he was a fraud, there is no question about it{\mdash}old,
scraggy, tough, nobody can picture the reality.  I finally said,
gentlemen, you can do as you like, but {\it I\/} will wait for another
election.  And~Grimes of~Illinois said, ‘Gentlemen, {\it I\/} will wait
also.  When you elect a man that has {\it something\/} to recommend him,
I shall be glad to join you again.’  It soon became evident that there
was general dissatisfaction with Davis of Oregon, and so, to preserve
the good will that had prevailed so pleasantly since we had had Harris,
an election was called, and the result of it was that Baker of Georgia
was chosen.  He was splendid!  Well, well{\mdash}after that we had
Doolittle, and Hawkins, and McElroy (there was some complaint about
McElroy, because he was uncommonly short and thin), and Penrod, and two
Smiths, and Bailey (Bailey had a wooden leg, which was clear loss, but
he was otherwise good), and an Indian boy, and an organ-grinder, and a
gentleman by the name of Buckminster{\mdash}a poor stick of a vagabond
that wasn’t any good for company and no account for breakfast.  We were
glad we got him elected before relief came.”

“And so the blessed relief {\it did\/} come at last?”

“Yes, it came one bright, sunny morning, just after election. John~Murphy
was the choice, and there never was a better, I am willing to
testify; but John~Murphy came home with us, in the train that came to
succor us, and lived to marry the widow Harris{\mdash}”

“Relict of{\mdash}”

“Relict of our first choice.  He married her, and is happy and respected
and prosperous yet.  Ah, it was like a novel, sir{\mdash}it was like a
romance.  This is my stopping-place, sir; I must bid you
good-by.  Any time that you can make it convenient to tarry a day or two
with me, I shall be glad to have you.  I like you, sir; I have conceived
an affection for you.  I could like you as well as I liked Harris
himself, sir.  Good day, sir, and a pleasant journey.”

He was gone.  I never felt so stunned, so distressed, so bewildered in
my life.  But in my soul I was glad he was gone.  With all his
gentleness of manner and his soft voice, I shuddered whenever he turned
his hungry eye upon me; and when I heard that I had achieved his
perilous affection, and that I stood almost with the late Harris in his
esteem, my heart fairly stood still!

I was bewildered beyond description.  I did not doubt his word; I could
not question a single item in a statement so stamped with the
earnestness of truth as his; but its dreadful details overpowered me,
and threw my thoughts into hopeless confusion.  I saw the conductor
looking at me.  I said, “Who is that man?”

“He was a member of Congress once, and a good one.  But he got caught in
a snow-drift in the cars, and like to have been starved to death.  He
got so frost-bitten and frozen up generally, and used up for want of
something to eat, that he was sick and out of his head two or three
months afterward.  He is all right now, only he is a monomaniac, and
when he gets on that old subject he never stops till he has eat up that
whole car-load of people he talks about.  He would have finished the
crowd by this time, only he had to get out here.  He has got their names
as pat as A, B,~C.  When he gets them all eat up but himself, he always
says:\mdash‘Then the hour for the usual election for
breakfast having arrived, and there being no opposition, I was duly
elected, after which, there being no objections offered, I resigned.
Thus I am here.’\thinspace”

I felt inexpressibly relieved to know that I had only been listening to
the harmless vagaries of a madman instead of the genuine experiences of
a bloodthirsty cannibal.

\line{}
\centerline{\finfont The End}

\vfill\tenpoint
\line{\hfil \it set in \rm Adobe Caslon Pro \it by \rm Micah J.~Cowan}
\line{\hfil http://micah.cowan.name/}
\eject\bye
